Goody Two Shoes - Episode tag 0503
by Pellegrina
Summary: A little conversation between Jane and Lisbon the day after the end of the episode "Not one red cent". It centers on shoes and Van Pelt, not necessarily in that order, and is meant as nothing but some fluffy banter.


Though this episode wasn't one of the best, the shoe scenes were hilarious – very inspiring for a shoe addict like me... So, I had to write a little tag.

This is the first time, I'll publish something here and I'm a bit nervous, more than a bit, actually. Even more so, because English isn't my mother tongue and I don't have much chance to use the language actively in my daily life. So, please be kind and forgive me my mistakes.

Furthermore, this isn't anything deep or meaningful, just a bit of friendly Jane-Lisbon banter. It doesn't contain any sort of speculation about upcoming/ongoing conspiracies either. It's only a bit of fun, well, I had it at least while writing it. And if it makes anyone out there laugh or smile a little, I would consider that as „mission accomplished".

Tag Season 5 Episode 3 „Not one red cent"

Lisbon walked into the bullpen early the morning, the day after Grace had left her „not very nice" note to Jane. She found her consultant lying on his couch, a cup of tea (Earl Grey, from the smell of it) balanced on his chest, one shod leg slightly lifted, his sight concentrated on his foot's best friend with a satisfied smile.

She greeted him with a cheery „Good morning, Jane!" and a „Thanks again for all your poker pointers! I took them to the cleaners, the whole lot of them! Even Bertram was there and boy, what a lousy looser he turned out to be... I knew that one day, all my sufferings with you would actually pay off!"

Jane turned his head in her direction and gave her his most charming smile: „I aim to please, Lisbon, I always do. It's just my life's tragedy that people usually aren't appreciative of my many endearing qualities – present company included."

Lisbon attempted to give him her death glare but failed spectacularly due to her excellent mood: „Well, I for one do understand why certain people wouldn't be too regarding of your numerous shady attributes. Why, I just heard this incredible story about Van Pelt, you and some bet. You made the poor thing buy you lunch the whole week after conning her. Really now, Jane, shame on you!"

Jane, grinning like the cat that got all the cream, sat up and whined: „Oh, come on, Lisbon! How long has she known me for now? You should actually thank me, because I showed you just how gullible your agent is. You should consider this part of the annual performance evaluation. You could even turn it into something positive like concluding that Grace has managed to admirably preserve an astonishing level of innocence in the face of true hardship. Rather heartwarming, isn't it? Or, if you want to be a bit more, well, censorious in your assessment, too naive for her own good. I mean, really, Lisbon, she fell for it like a babe in the wood."

„Oh, I don't know, Jane. I could draw a whole lot of other conclusions, such as my agent trying to show you some trust, while you just show us that you really don't deserve it?"

The blond man managed to turn his smile into a pout worthy of a three year old: „That was so not nice! I'm deeply wounded and once again completely unappreciated. But, alas, I've had years to get used to that feeling, so I'll try to hold my tears this time. Here I attempt to help you with your team evaluations, and you just accuse me of being deceitful, honestly, woman!"

Lisbon tried very hard not to laugh at his ridiculous face. Only years of rigorous training made it possible for her to keep it straight. After reining in her features she said with her voice full of mock reprimand: „Mr. Jane, as your boss, and yes, I actually am your boss, though you seem to forget it most of the time, I have to say that your behaviour towards your colleague Van Pelt has been utterly deplorable. Now, you've gotten me into a difficult situation, where I have to take disciplinary measures."

„Wowowo, Lisbon, hold on now. Don't get all authoritarian on me! I'm not known to react positively to heavy-handed reprimand – it might actually cause more harm than good . What makes you think, it could possibly have any effect this time?" „Well, smartass, then let's take another approach. It has come to my attention that you do not own the equipment necessary to always react reliably on short notice in any given situation."

Jane looked at her with a completely puzzled expression:"If this is about my car, the topic is closed. She might be old, but apart from a puncture once in a while, she's a very reliable soul, that one! And she can go as fast as they come, as you well know."

Lisbon grinned devilishly: „I know which battles to fight and which ones to avoid. No, not your baby blue chick. I'm talking about your shoes, actually. We had a very serious situation with them after all. You might've been able to prevent the whole robbery or the homicide at least, had you not been incapacitated by your lack of footwear at the crucial time."

The consultant made an crestfallen face: „You can't be serious, Lisbon. You honestly think I would've thrown myself in front of some big awful gun, if I'd been wearing shoes? Have you lost your mind now? You know, how I hate guns! The only thing I might've done had I not been, as you call it, incapacitated, would have been running away as fast as possible or hiding behind someone big and mean looking."

„Well, that would've been something at least, and something you couldn't do because your only pair of shoes was under repair. That's not acceptable, therefore, as your boss..."

„What's it with all these bosses today, Lisbon, that's scary."

„As I said, before I was so impudently interrupted, therefore, as your boss and as the team's boss, I've to make sure, all my underlings are ready to jump into action at any given moment. And so I've come to the logical conclusion that you, mister, need a second pair."

Once again she had to summon up all her self control not to laugh out loud at his priceless face: „ That's no joking matter, Lisbon. For a second there, I thought you actually meant that. And by the by – I'm a consultant, I'm NO underling, I'm a pari passu, on equal footing with you – no pun intended."

„Oh, I meant it, alright, my subordinate, have no doubts about that. You will get yourself another pair of shoes – post haste, meaning, today."

„What?! You've got to be kidding! I won't get new shoes! I have a perfectly usable pair which has proven its value and reliability more than once during the last decade or two. Never change a running system – once again" he grinned „no pun intended."

„It's not like you're supposed to throw out the old ones. I've come to some sort of love-hate-relationship with them myself over the years. But you definitely need a second pair, and a second pair you'll get. And to re-establish a positive relationship between poor Van Pelt and you after your little prank, she will be your shopping assistant this afternoon. Besides, I wouldn't trust you alone with such an important task."

The pout was back in full force on the consultant's face: „ Now, Lisbon, that is a most cruel and unusual punishment. I'm thinking about contacting Amnesty International. There must be a law against such spitefulness! This'll be the death of me and you know it! Van Pelt in a shopping mall and yours truly as her victim. I'll probably end up with a hundred pairs and the matching shoe cabinet to boot. That is, if I survive that long."

Lisbon's expression could only be described as very satisfied: „Ah, to quote one of your favourites, Nietzsche, ‚Was dich nicht umbringt, macht dich stärker' (what doesn't kill you, can only make you stronger). I have full faith in your tenacity."

„Now you're using my own words against me – how delightfully devious. I didn't know you had it in you. But still, I won't go shopping with Grace, no chance. Forget it, it's not happening, no way, never ever, over my dead body."

„That's a thought! And the first thing we would do to your corpse would be a change of footwear and without any complaints involved. Wow, that does sound rather tempting. On the other hand, while I'm sure, no one would ask any funny questions about your demise at our hands, well, people might probably just congratulate us on our feat, it would cause some serious paper work for me. And I hate paper work more than you, so, I'll let you live."

Jane, clearly enjoying the banter, exclaimed: „I'm touched, Lisbon, really. I never expected to range above your beloved paper work on the scale of your affections. But I'm happy we've finally reached an agreement on this unfortunate shoe business."

The special agent rolled her green eyes: „Oh, did we now, very good. So, this afternoon you'll go shopping with Van Pelt, nice of you to consent to it without too much protest, very mature, in fact, very unexpected."

„Wait a minute now, I didn't consent to nothing, miss. I seem to remember me pointing out that it would kill me and you pointing out you would let me live. So, no shopping, no Van Pelt, no new shoes."

Lisbon put on her extra bossy face and replied: „On the contrary. You WILL buy new shoes, preferably black ones, and Grace will assist you, and you'll stay with her in the 24-hour mall until she decides that you've gotten the best pair possible, oh, and Jane, that's an order!"

The blond consultant pouted now for all he was worth and put on his best puppy dog face for good measure: „Oh, come on, Lisbon, don't do this to me, pretty please, I promise I'll be good today. Please, please don't send me of with crazy Gracy, that's totally not fair. Please, if you insist on another pair of shoes and in the name of compromise and in showing my unlimited maturity, I would be willing to ask my dear friend the cobbler to sell me those comfy white ones I got to rent. They've kind of grown on me a little already, so the shock to my system might not be fatal."

„No, Jane, no chance, not those horrible white atrocities. Forget it! I told you before, they definitely didn't grow on me! I refuse to work with someone wearing them on a more regular basis. I'm rather sure that my sight's already been compromised during the last days. I've come to tolerate your obvious inability to iron your shirts, but I draw a line at those monstrosities."

Jane mumbled a nearly inaudible „Lisbon, the new fashion mafia!"

„Did you just call me names, Mr. Jane? Do I have to add an electric iron to the shopping list?"

„What, me? No, I never would! Big scout's honour. But Lisbon, I really can't go with Van Pelt, she is such a meany. Don't make me go with her, please, have mercy."

The agent smiled nastily: „You will go with her, that's my last word on the subject."

„But, Lisbon, she used a very bad word on me. Make her apologise to me! You know, I could actually get her for sexual harassment for that one, so she should be punished as well!"

„Well, son, actually, as to her punishment, that's covered already. I'm sure it won't be just honey and roses going shopping with you. And when it comes to apologies, I'll make you a deal: You say sorry to Grace for conning her and I'll make her say sorry for the very justified but maybe a bit impolite expression she used. What do you say?"

„Me, say sorry? Nah..."

Lisbon started to move in the direction of her office. „Well, everything's settled then. Today, five o'clock, you have a shopping date with our beloved Van Pelt. Very good. I feel really accomplished already that early in the morning and before my third cup of coffee! I have a feeling that this is gonna be a great day. See you later."

Jane shouted after her: „I accept this only supra protest, just so you know."

Without turning back to him she smilingly answered: „Duly noted, Jane, duly noted."

After she had left the bullpen, Jane lay back again on his couch and resumed his previous position watching his beloved brown shoes: „Sorry, mates, I tried my very best. But what can you do when that woman turns all tyrannical? But, hey, she didn't say anything about wearing those flashy new beasts, which'll be forced on us today, so relax, nothing's lost yet." And after a moment of contemplation he added with a speculative smirk: „Mhm, now how to make Grace pay for my new shoes?"


End file.
